I find myself feeling guilty all the time lately. Even though I logically know that L’s delays are developmental and not my fault, I still find myself questioning everything I’ve done with him. Did I not notice the signs early enough? If I had pushed him harder would it have mattered? Maybe I didn’t spend enough time playing with him, or reading to him. Should I have put him into preschool earlier? Did I drink too much coffee while I was pregnant, or was it that goat cheese I had that one time. Did I cause this??? I believe that all parents probably feel guilty at some time or another in their child’s life, but I feel irrationally guilty. So just how bad do I feel? Well here goes…
- First and foremost the guilt I mentioned above, the feeling that something I did along the way caused this, which is ridiculous I know.
- Guilt for being the first to expose my husband and his family to my suspicions (my family already had some). I feel like I tainted his enjoyment of watching his first child grow and develop, and replaced that enjoyment with too many questions and “what if’s”.
- Regret for my hubby and the lack of intimacy, both sexually and emotionally, that we currently have in our relationship. It’s just that after a day of meeting L and G’s needs, I am too exhausted to think about his and mine.
- I already feel guilt about little G, and the fact that he will have to grow up faster and take on more responsibility at a young age, as our attention will be focused on L most of the time.
- I also feel selfish when I think about the future, and how different it will be from the one I had planned for us. Our golden years, the years when I imagined us vacationing, relaxing and enjoying our retirement will most likely not be. Since I refuse to entertain the idea of a group home (unless L becomes too aggressive, or unless he requests it himself) he will probably still be living with us at that time, and will need our help in his daily life.
- Lastly there is the guilt I feel for feeling guilty, especially when we are at L’s therapy sessions and I see so many children who are dealing with problems L and I can’t even imagine, things far worse than speech and play delays. I feel bad that I am sometimes so lost in my own pity party that I forget it could be a whole lot worse.
There you go…all the ways I feel bad on any given day…I told you some of them were a little irrational, but I’m working on it. I’m working on letting these feelings go, and being able to share them here is helping, so thanks for listening!